Turn that frown upside down with GOPEXOR!

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NEWS ITEM: House Republicans, stinging from losses in previously safe seats in Louisiana and Mississippi, introduced a new campaign slogan: The Change You Deserve. The Republicans thought they would cash in on the change agenda that's been so successful for Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama. Instead, they found themselves embarrassed when it turned out that "The Change You Deserve" is the copyrighted slogan for Effexor, an anti-depressant.

Click below to read the text of the mock pharmaceutical ad in my Sunday column. Click on the audio player above to hear a radio ad for GOPEXOR, a sure-fire cure for electile dysfunction.

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It's the Indian Baby Drop.

It's weird and disturbing and kind of funny in a twisted way.

It's a 500-year-old ritual. The people who toss the babies off the tower believe it makes them stronger and brings them luck in life.

All righty then!

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Last Sunday, I wrote about the necessity of eliminating Punxsutawney Phil -- with extreme

And the guy made me an honorary member of Punxsy Phil's Fan Club. (Shouldn't that be "Phan" club?)

Oh, well.

As Bill Murray once said, so I got that going for me.

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Traffax reported this morning that Interstate 81 in Cumberland County was closed after a truck spilled hog lungs on the highway.

Hog lungs?

You don't want to know.

The good news, though, is, according to the Pennsylvania Code, "All cattle, calf, sheep and equine lungs intended for food purposes shall be inspected to determine whether foreign matter is present in the air passages. The main bronchi and branches shall be slit by employees of the establishment and, if ingesta or other objectionable foreign matter has entered these passages, the lungs shall be condemned."

That's certainly comforting.

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The Pentagon announced that it will use a special missile to shoot down a 5,000-pound, bus-sized spy satellite that has careened out of orbit and will crash to earth in early March. The satellite contains about half-a-ton of very toxic fuel.

What could possibly go wrong?

Oh.

Never mind.

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Here it is, from last year, one of my favorite YouTube videos of Santa Claus coming to town. Enjoy.

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Now, I know this is politically incorrect, but it's pretty funny. I found it on the Telecaster discussion page, but I imagine it's been circulating for some time. I apologize ahead of time to anyone offended by it. But it is funny.

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia - I Don't Know if I'll Be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Street and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and
Fire Hydrants

Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...

Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day but Couldn't Leave My
House

Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in
My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiance Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While
I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

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As you've probably heard, some security guards at the Peach Bottom Atomic Power Station were caught on video sleeping on the job.

Previously, you may recall, some control room operators at the nuclear power plant were found to be sleeping on the job, inspiration for Homer Simpson as he snoozes through his shift at the Springfield nuclear power plant.

OK, it's bad when people guarding and running a nuclear reactor are sleeping. But what is it with Peach Bottom that induces sleep? Do they put Ambien in the water?

If I were running the place, here's how I'd spin it: Peach Bottom is so well-run and efficient that its workers can sleep on the job and nothing bad happens.

At least not yet.

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Best story of the day: "Four people were charged after a melee involving a baseball bat, a samurai sword and a pit bull outside of a Wrightsville bar in August."

Another passage from the story: "Police said they found several people lying on the sidewalk, on the Wrightsville Bridge and in the middle of Hellam Street, also known as Route 462."

Read the whole thing here.

Runner-up for best story of the day: Two teens from Red Lion who went on an alleged crime spree with the goal of visiting nude beaches in Florida. Read that one here.

Yep, just more reminders of why we call this special place on this special planet Pennsyltuckey.

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The Washington Post reported that banana giant Chiquita told the U.S. Justice Department it was paying a death squad -- a group on a list of terrorist organizations -- to secure its banana plantations in Colombia.

Banana death squad?

It'd be a good name for a rock band.

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This is from an Associated Press story:

"CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. — At least twice, astronauts were allowed to fly after flight surgeons and other astronauts warned they were so drunk they posed a flight-safety risk, an aviation weekly reported Thursday, citing a special panel studying astronaut health.

"The independent panel found 'heavy use of alcohol' before launch, according to Aviation Week & Space Technology, which reported the finding on its Web site."

That'd be the only way they'd ever get me on that thing.

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OK, let's see if I have this right.

The Dover Area School District wants to issue its students identification badges, and some people are going nuts because they think that the barcodes used on them are, as board member Heather Geesey said, the mark of the beast, as in Revelations in the Bible.

So, if you're keeping score at home, the previous school board tried to insert biblical principles to biology instruction and the current school board is doing the work of Satan. Who would have guessed that the Dover Area School District would be in league with the antichrist and would be instrumental in bringing about Armageddon.

Next up for Dover? Plague of locusts, I'm guessing.

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Stumbled upon this Web site. It includes all sorts of interesting stuff, like how to start a fire with a Coke can and a chocolate bar, light a barbecue will liquid oxygen, make a cake that looks like the human thoraxic cavity and build a margarita mixer using a Gatorade bucket and a garbage disposal.
For entertainment purposes only. Don't try this at home.

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We have a winner for headline of the day, here.

.

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A lot of questions remain about the death of former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko from radiation poisoning caused by an isotope that sounds like something from Rocky and Bullwinkle. Who killed him and why are the most pressing questions, of course. But here , Slate magazine answers a question that may, or may not, have occurred to you: Why did he lose his hair, but not his eyebrows?
Who knew?

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On Monday, a man brandishing a knife robbed the Dairy Queen on South Queen Street.
Dairy Queen?
Who robs a Dairy Queen? In winter.
Well, we aren't exactly talking about a member of Mensa here.

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For your Christmas enjoyment, here's the arrival of Santa.

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OK, they don't want Little Kim of North Korea to have Harleys. What, are they crazy? Send him more. Just no helmets. Read the rest of it here.

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Here Is a story about zombie chickens.
In the sequel, the Zombie Chickens will terrorize a group of people hiding out in a shopping mall.
Actually, it's pretty gross. The story begins, " In this rich agricultural region of Northern California, ranchers have been turning chickens too old to lay eggs into compost at a rate of a half-million hens a year.
"But some chickens not properly euthanized have been seen crawling out of the compost piles, earning them the name 'zombie chickens' -- and hatching a debate over what else might be done with them and other 'spent hens.'"

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